How’s Your 401(k)? Who Cares. Trump’s Planning A Military-Style Birthday Parade

America is on the brink of a recession, the stock market is trash, the federal government barely exists, and the president of people who have enough money that they don’t have to care about any of this is planning a military parade birthday party. 

Talk about tone deaf.

According to the Hill, the man who wakes up in the White House and paints his face orange is turning 79 this year and he’s planning a military parade through Washington, D.C., because nothing says “I really know how to waste taxpayer money” like driving a tank down Pennsylvania Ave. 

Apparently, the Trump administration is trying to spin the vapid display of wasteful spending to celebrate America’s dictator, along with the Army’s 250th anniversary and there are a bunch of ways they could do this without spending taxpayers’ money, but I digress. 

The parade will stretch some 4 miles from the Pentagon in Arlington, Va., to the White House, which means traffic will be a mess. Why would the president care about the people or drive when it’s his birthday?

Seriously, why can’t he spend his birthday like other children and just go to Chuck E. Cheese, play those stupid games, and buy a Slinky with the tickets he wins playing Whac-a-Mole? He doesn’t have to do this to the rest of us.

“The Army is very excited to celebrate its 250th anniversary with the entire county,” Army spokesperson Col. Dave Butler told the Hill.

“Our intention is for Americans to be proud of their Army and also proud of their nation. It’s too early to say yet whether or not we’re having a parade but we’re working with the White House as well as several government agencies to make the celebration a national-level event.”

Umm, the Army is having a parade because President Stunted Growth is throwing himself one and they don’t have any say in it. The Army, like the rest of us, will be forced into this just like we will be, even though we all told our moms that we don’t want to go to this stupid birthday. 

During his first term in 2018, the president wanted to have a large military parade that was reportedly inspired by a “French Bastille Day event,” the Hill reports. 

“We’re going to have to try to top it,” he reportedly told French President Emmanuel Macron.

And then he got the bill and was looking at blowing $92 million, not to mention the public hated this idea and even Congress members noted that this was a bad idea and it all got canceled because it was really stupid to parade a bunch of military vehicles down city streets.

At the time, Senate Democratic Whip Dick Durbin (Ill.) called the military parade plans a “fantastic waste of money to amuse the president.”

Even the spineless sack of molded potatoes, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), warned to treat the parade as a “Soviet-style” display of military might.

The Hill notes that “the Defense Department could use its training budget to pay for flyovers and use vehicles from nearby bases, but the event would also require outside costs such as pay for Secret Service and police, and the renting and construction of stands and barriers.”

Anyway, they better get busy wasting American taxpayers money as President Trump’s birthday is just 10 weeks away and I’ll ask again, who wants this? 

Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t matter. 

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